Sunday, April 11, 2010
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Stop Motion, Sarah Pannell
"There's also some sense of 'be careful what you wish for', because being too comfortable can lead to a sort of arrested development. It can also nurture fear and ignorance... If you have any curious or creative nature, theres likely to be a tension there automatically... A certain resistance to complacent thinking, a feeling that there must be something more to life than your immediate surroundings, a restlessness.'
- Tales from Outer Suburbia, Shaun Tan
Yes that's EXACTLY it. That's the reason for almost everything I believe in. That's why I can't STAND the idea of suburbia, of marriage, of 'settling down and having kids'.
Why have this? When you can have - everything else?
I don't think it's something I'll outgrow. If you had asked me 10 years ago whether I wanted to get married, the answer would've been a roll of the eyes and a resounding NO!. If you had asked me 10 years ago the reason why, I would have given you the exact same reason that I will give you now. If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be, it would have been exactly where I am now. Really, I get sick of people telling me the same thing over and over again with a knowing smile, "Ah but you are still young", "Ah but when you meet the right person you will think differently", "Ah but you never know..."
Yes, perhaps. But is it really so impossible to believe that I am old enough, that I won't think differently, that I do know...?
And if something... someone... ties me down. I might end up hating it. Then where would I be? Left with nothing? Worse off than before?
I dislike the idea of staying in a place for too long, reveling in comfort and familiarity. 6 years. 6 years in this place. As much as I love my friends, as much as I enjoy this city, it often feels as if my mind has gone travelling without me, and all that is left is a sedentary body stuck in time. Just thinking about it makes me feel apathetic, useless, listless, as if my soul has been sucked out of me - and in order to find it again I would have to go somewhere, anywhere but HERE.
And when I do leave, I wonder if I will ever yearn to be back again?
Perhaps yes, if I can freeze moments in time and 'play' them again when I slot my weary body back in. Perhaps yes, if I can convince myself that nobody has grown old, nobody has changed, I haven't changed.
Then again, no.
Some things are best left in memory, in dreams.