Sunday, May 21, 2006
I love walking to uni. A 20 minute walk may be tedious to some, but me, I enjoy it. 20 whole minutes to myself - time to think, time to gather my thoughts, time to be alone. And living in college, where every corner is inhabited by a living breathing someone, I need that 20 minutes.
It's funny what people think of when they let their minds drift. I was wearing black leather boots the other day, and they make the most satisfying (although rather loud) 'tap' against the concrete pavement. And for some reason Eliot's 'I have measured out my life with coffee spoons' suddenly popped into my mind - 'I have measured out my life with tapping shoes'. Nonsense, I know, but it's so tiring having to be sensible and make sense all the time.
I've always been quiet. Sometimes I simply do not know what to say to people. 'How was your day?' 'Um, good, thank you.' 'So...' 'Sooooo....' You get the picture. But I listen, and over the years I find myself becoming a confidant to my friends. And being a confidant, I listen, listen, listen, comfort, comfort, comfort, reassure, reassure, reassure. People do not necessarily seek 'advice' - usually they know what they have to do anyway - but they like to confess, to discuss, to have a little moment where they can talk about themselves to someone who will listen. I play the part willingly, and I give whatever help I can, but sometimes I get tired.
Why do I want to know if someone's feeling guilty for cheating on their bfs/gfs? Why do I want to listen to the whole 'romantic history' of someone who goes through partners faster than I can keep track of? Why do I care - either way - why Y doesn't want to go out with X or why X doesn't want to go out with Y? Why is it always, ALWAYS relationship problems that people whine about? Because the issues are rather pointless, the 'are you okay you poor thing cheer up' routine becomes artificial. Sometimes I simply don't care. It may sound awful, but when the problems are trivial at most I simply don't. There are so many more serious issues that people are facing - no matter how I see it the world does not revolve around a single guy/girl. So why is it always 'the end of the world' when a relationship goes wrong (or can't get started)?
So sometimes I want to yell out loud that I DON'T FREAKING CARE! I have a life of my own, and it does not involve listening to trivial problems! I want to be a little bit silly sometimes, a little bit ridiculous, and not always 'serious'/'responsible'/'insert acronym here'. I want to suddenly break into a funny little dance in the middle of the road; to hum out-of-tune ditties over and over again; to bounce up and down on my bed; to skip class and snuggle in my warm warm doona on a cold cold day... I want to cry to someone about someone instead of someone crying about someone to me.
For once I want to be selfish and think about myself and myself only, okay?
..signing off..
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